the last day: chapter four: expectations
and so there i was.. not quite ready to give up.. but still starting to lose hope.. i seriously didnt know where to go or who to approach.. i was left with no choice but to call on my close friend che.. but then as i was calling her.. i saw her with ramon.. and i knew it would have been wrong if i bothered her.. so i dropped the call and entered the SHB and started to go up the stairs.. until now, i dont know why i did that.. but something happened that gave a bit of light as to why i chose that path.. suddenly.. i could hear the opening salvo song for that afternoon's paskorito.. so i just had no choice but to proceed with the practice.. i didnt know there would be one thats why i was just shocked to here that music.. and even though i was the only one from batch 07.. i really didnt care.. as long as i was doing something.. and i was more that thrilled to do something for God.. and even though i was just an extra for the last 30 seconds of the song, i enjoyed it.. the thing about that practice was that it was as if the Lord called me to join the practice to get rid of my lonliness.. and true enough, after that practice, i was thrilled.. and so the practice ended at 1.50 and there would be a 2.00 dry run.. so i proceeded to the auditorium to wait.. after a few moments.. ryan came along and i was soo happy.. i was starting to get bored already.. after all, i had no one to talk to.. but anyway.. ryan was there to practice the lighting to be used for that afternoon's presentation.. so after a few minutes of discussion, he went up into the lights and sounds booth.. it wasnt long before dane and rob also came into the audi.. but they too went up to join ryan in the booth.. and so i waited for our turn at the dry run.. it seemed like hours.. i kept looking at my watch only to find out that not even five minutes had elapsed since i last looked.. and then slowly.. that feeling started to swell deep within me again.. i was so uncomfortable.. i felt so vulnerable.. i hated the feeling.. once again, i paniced.. i started calling on people.. but they wouldnt answer.. everytime someone asked me wether or not i was okay, i just said yes because i know they were busy and i really didnt want to force myself into the company of people i know im not really in perfect terms with.. so i waited.. and called.. and paniced.. it wasnt long before more people came.. that wouldve been great.. if i knew who they were.. so i left my bag on one of the aisle seats and went out of the audi.. cell in hand, i started ringing all the people i knew who werent busy.. but most of them couldnt be reached.. for each person i called, i felt much much more vulnerable.. much more scared.. and then i called on charmy.. the person i knew who would actually pick up her phone.. fortunately, she picked up.. i tried to talk, but i found it hard to breathe.. i tried to straighten my words, but all i could do was gasp.. i mustered enough breath to actually tell her where i was and that i needed her.. and at once, she said she would come.. i dropped the phone.. although i felt much more relieved at the prospect of having someone come.. i could no longer hold the growing emotion that swelled in my chest.. i let go of my tears, and at once, i looked for a place i could hide.. the third floor back landing isnt much of a hidng place.. so i desperately tried to hide beside one of the lockers.. i tried to stop.. but all i could do was collect my tears in my hanky.. after no longer that 5 minutes, charmy came.. along with joji.. i felt so relieved but nothing could stop the tears.. i hugged her so tightly.. and i just exploded.. there we were just standing at the back landing.. and i knew it was embarassing.. but i longer cared.. soon we walked towards a corner and sat down.. they asked me what was wrong and what bothere me.. but i still couldnt talk.. after a few minutes, i finally managed to stop.. i didnt know what to say.. but i knew what was wrong.. i finally knew.. they werent anybody's fault.. they were mine.. my expectations..